these hands rated e for everyone

jom-jageun-mochi:

therapist: “on a scale of 1-10, how stressed are you in life?”

me: “park jimin trying to deliver a birthday cake”

generalgrievousdatingsim:

okay bitch go ahead summon the ancient horrors from another dimension ill kiss them

prideprejudce:

yeah you might be tricking the dumb rich family into hiring you and each member of your family but i’ve been living in their basement/bunker for four years and control all the lights in their house. we are not the same

howls-moving-pwussy:

shitboy96:

shitboy96:

My pussy is mysterious. Puzzling

Anyone else got a confounding and bamboozling pussy? Call me

You need to see a gynecologist

business email glossary

allteenrelates:

thanks in advance: get this done by the time i press “send”

thanks for your interest: why’d you have to bring this up

would you be so kind: fucking do it

best: i have never physically met you

all best: this conversation is over

all my best: i wish you would die

happy to help: this is the easiest thing in my inbox

i hope this helps: i’ve done all i’m willing to do

i did a bit of research: i googled it, because you’re too lazy to

sorry to chase: answer my email

so sorry to chase: answer my FUCKING email

i am really sorry for being a pest but: i am LIVID that you are ignoring me

please contact my colleague: this isn’t my problem

i’m copying in my colleague: this isn’t my problem and i am thrilled about it

i’ll check and get back to you: i might forget to

i’ll let you know when i hear anything: i will forget to

can you check back with me in a week?: i’m hoping you will forget to

per our earlier conversation: i just yelled at you on the phone

great to chat just now: you just yelled at me on the phone

thanks!: i’m not mad at you

thanks!!: please don’t be mad at me

thanks!!!: i’m crying at my desk

please advise: this might be your fault

kindly advise: this is entirely your fault

mind if i swing by?: i’m already in the elevator

can you confirm for me: you told me before and i deleted the email

sorry if that was unclear: i think you’re an idiot

let me know if you need anything else: please never contact me again

Reblogging to add a direct quote that I used today -

Please respect my work process: just do it the way I told you to and stop arguing with me, I don’t care what you think

metagnostic-deactivated20200809:

while you were hitting the juul, going to college, having casual sex, driving your car, and eating takeout food, i died horribly under mysterious circumstances in a national park. and my body was never found again

suctioning:

aciddd-angel:

suctioning:

when you unsuspectingly see your best friend at the store

why the fuck would this be my reaction

You must not have a best friend

shut the hell your mouth

3dfilm:

healingsuggestions:

you are growing from this
you are growing from this
you are growing from this

me talking to the dinosaur pellet i just put in a glass of water

synthgay:

5u5:

thats just the way the pussy crumbles

please see a gynecologist